What is a narcissist, and why does covert narcissism make real closeness feel impossible, no matter how hard you try? This is part two of a two-part series on the two defining characteristics that destroy relationships with a narcissist. Part one covered the lack of empathy. This week, Renee Swanson turns to the other side of the castle door: the lack of vulnerability.

Real vulnerability means saying “I was wrong,” “I’m afraid,” “I don’t know,” or “I need you.” For a narcissist, whose sense of self depends on appearing right and in control, those words feel like a threat. So instead of vulnerability, you get defensiveness, blame, and feelings that come out sideways as silence, sarcasm, or punishment. Renee walks through everyday examples in marriage, parenting, work, and money, and explains counterfeit vulnerability. That’s the sob stories and wounded martyrdom that look like openness but are really a way of getting control.

She also explains how a lack of vulnerability destroys a relationship over time. Nothing ever gets resolved. You end up carrying all the blame, never truly knowing the person beside you, and walking on eggshells as you learn to read their moods. Finally, she shows what happens when a lack of empathy and a lack of vulnerability meet, and why your own vulnerability can be used against you. If you’re on the path of narcissistic abuse recovery and have wondered why sincere apologies and real repair never came, this episode will help you understand why the problem was never your explanation.

If you missed part one, go back and listen to “What Is a Narcissist? Part 1: The Lack of Empathy That Destroys Relationships.”

Renee’s new book, This Is Not Okay: Escaping the Invisible Grip of Covert Narcissistic Abuse, is out now. Check it out through Amazon or on her site at www.covertnarcissism.com

Ready for support on your own healing journey? Learn about Renee’s coaching program at www.covertnarcissism.com.

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The information provided by Renee Swanson, the Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only. It is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case. This material discusses narcissism in general. Renee shares stories from her personal experiences as well as from those she has talked with for several years. Her material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or support a claim that any specific person is a narcissist. That would be an unauthorized misuse of the material and information provided.

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