My friend took a sheet of paper and put it on the table.
It was too big for the table, really.
She started writing.
A word in one corner. An arrow. Something crossed out. Another thought underneath it. Her handwriting moved across the page until there was hardly any white left.
I watched her.
“What are you doing?”
She didn't really answer.
She kept writing.
Somewhere in the middle of the page were the words:
I am a mother, not a machine.
I laughed.
Then I went home and thought about it.
Because I know that machine.
It wakes up before everyone else. It remembers who needs to be where. It knows what is in the fridge. It answers the message it didn't want to answer. It puts something in the washing machine while listening to somebody else's problem.
It keeps going.
And nobody asks the machine what it wants.
Until one day it does something strange.
It takes out a piece of paper.
And starts writing.
Not a plan.
Not a budget.
Not a list of things everyone else needs.
Just:
I want...
And perhaps that is where the trouble begins.
Because once you have spent years asking what needs to be done, the question of what you want can feel almost indecent.
So I started wondering about the things we cross out before anyone else has had the chance to tell us no.
The idea that is too expensive.
The ambition that comes at the wrong time.
The thing we would do if nobody needed us for an afternoon.
The life we imagine and immediately begin dismantling with practical questions.
How much?
When?
Who will look after everyone?
What if it doesn't work?
And somewhere underneath all those questions is the one we stopped asking.
What if it does?
In this walk
00:00 — If you see things differently
A large piece of paper. A mind refusing to behave itself.
01:15 — I am a mother, not a machine
A sentence in the middle of the page, and the thought that wouldn't leave me alone.
03:05 — The things we remember
Breakfast. School. Messages. Laundry. All the things that somehow become your responsibility without anyone announcing the transfer of ownership.
05:00 — Before you make a plan
What happens when you allow yourself to have an idea before asking whether it is sensible?
06:45 — What do you want?
Not what can you manage. Not what everyone else needs. What do you want?
08:25 — We are not Bob the Builder
Some things don't need fixing. Some people don't need rescuing. Some things may simply need to move out of the way.
10:00 — They are watching us
The things the next generation learns from the lives we live.
11:15 — I am a person
Perhaps the point isn't learning to carry more. Perhaps it is learning what we can finally put down.
12:00 — Walk good
If you see things differently, welcome.
A question to walk with
What would you want if you didn't have to explain how you were going to make it happen?
Don't answer it immediately.
Let it walk beside you.
Be Walking with Nicky
A podcast about walking, thinking, difference, motherhood, ambition, and the peculiar business of being a person.
Sometimes there is a guest.
Sometimes there is only a road and a thought that refuses to leave.
If you see things differently, welcome.
Listen. Walk. Think.
And if something in this episode follows you after you've stopped listening, perhaps that's where the real conversation begins.
Walk good.
Spirandi Ombrevôtre
Be Walking with Nicky is available on Substack, Spotify and YouTube.
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